Like a bad dream... like a lie...
He told me in a low, trembling voice:
You don’t know how often I cry... How tears spurt out of my eyes... because I live the entire tragedy of loneliness... of despair and nonexistence. I am hurt as never before. I’ve tasted the unspeakable, beyond any imagination feeling of being left aside... Like a used handkerchief. And this happened when I was certain of the opposite...
I had fears. She knew them and she acted, using them against me... so easily! so cruelly! She knew of what I was afraid off and chose it all to happen... just like she was empty of any feeling for me, like a bad dream, like a lie...
Time is not on my side. Days pass through difficulty. Nights are worse. I can’t take my mind off her... I can’t take my mind off her... I can’t take my mind off her... Minutes are long, very long... they last as eternity and keep me sleepless for days and days...
I don’t want to live any more...
You don’t know how often I have to cry... it comes with no effort, because I had to choose to leave her... she forced me to leave her... dignity, pride and destroyed life... she destroyed us... she left no choice.. no hope...
I feel like a wreckage in the ocean... carried away by the blowing winds... unable to sink, though I am already sunk in darkness, loneliness and a hopeless future... which future? There is no way back... and no way in front...
I live a hard life.. a very hard life. I struggle to survive... She knew that... never mind this, it doesn’t mater any more...
It hurts to be deceived by the one you love. When you love, you just give everything and the only precious thing you want... is love! Nothing else!
I am complaining now... because I don’t have anything else but my tears and my complaints... No heart, no soul, no blood, no mind, no work, no life...
I am still deeply in love with her. In love, as never in the past! but... I don’t want her...
And by telling this he left in the darkness of his life...
I knew him for years. Today, he is a different man. I can imagine, only imagine and speculate how his life changed... A man of principals who consistently believes and devotes his life in principals, is a very steady man. I gained courage and mental power of him. Almost everybody of us ( I mean all of our fellow students) used to solve our problems, out of him. He was not a teacher nor a leader but he was leading and teaching always, without annoying nobody... A very rare virtue... A very rare man... A genius, open hearted, brave and devoted man...
Now his heart is broken. He didn’t stand this... what a pity! He is a living dead man...
James E. Terry
Ph.D.. Med.
Main, Boston Massachusetts,
USA
Ζω την απέραντη λύπη. Την διαρκή και παρατεταμένη στεναχώρια. Στα διαλλείματα εργάζομαι πυρετωδώς για να ξεχνιέμαι... Παλεύω με τον χρόνο κι ελπίζω νά ‘ρθει ο καιρός της λήθης... Της λήθης και της λησμονιάς. Όταν και θα πάψουν τα τραγούδια να ‘χουν νόημα, όταν οι σκέψεις θα ξαναγίνουν τρυφερές, σαν τα βλαστάρια της άνοιξης, όταν τα στήθεια γεμίσουν με την πνοή κάποιας αισιοδοξίας...
Ωστόσο το σήμερα είναι λυπημένο... πολύ λυπημένο κι αυτό δεν μπορεί, εύκολα, ν’ αλλάξει... Ας είναι έτσι! Εξ άλλου δεν είμαι απο σίδερο, όσο κι αν οι άλλοι το πιστεύουν πως έτσι είμαι...
Τσιγάρα, αλκοόλ, ξενύχτι και μια “λύπη άγνωστης γεννεάς”... που λέει κι ο Ελύτης...
Πώς έγινε έτσι η ζωή μου...
